My friend, who lives on the 21st floor and is next month getting his son married on Epsom Downs, England, was planning his wedding card when I met him yesterday.

“The card will be a solid plate of gold, six inches thick, 24 carat, and the invitation will be engraved on it, the engraved letters filled with lapis lazuli, and the punctuation marks with diamonds,” he said.

“People will sell the invitation card,” I said.

“They may,” my friend said. “The card will be put in a royal purple velvet pouch, trimmed with gold and silver strips, alternately, and the pouch will be placed in a box, made of old oak obtained from some of the oldest and most seasoned whisky barrels in Scotland. The box will then be put in a plastic shopping bag from Raymonds. If you have got any old Raymonds bags, you may give me.”

“I’ll check,” I said.

“With each card, there will be five kilograms of almonds and pistachios, encased in jars made of ivory, so transparent that you can see through them. Plus, two cases of Scotch, single malt, and three bottles of Mr. Chougule’s champagne. Also a silver champagne bucket.”

“What about sweets?” I asked. “You must send some sweets, that is the practice. Sweets are auspicious.”

“Yes, I am told so,” he said. “Each card will be accompanied by a letter to Chandu Halwai. The letter will authorise the guests to go to any Chandu shop in town and buy as many sweets as they require, my office will settle the bill.”

“How many times can they go to the shop and buy sweets?” I asked.

“As many times as they like, provided it is in 1997,” my friend said.

“The way you are going about it, the Godrej and Zaveri weddings will be nowhere,” I said.

“I would not say that, their cards were also impressive,” he said. “All the cards will be hand delivered. The couriers will be carrying with them, besides the invitations, two sets of clothes, designed in Paris, to be worn by the guests at the wedding and to the reception after the wedding. You will get your clothes also.”

“Thanks,” I said.

“The courier will also hand over to each guest a cellular phone. The phone is for them to ring up my secretary with the RSVP.”

“You think of everything,” I said. “How many guests are you inviting?”

“I don’t know how many will come, but I am sending out 7,000 cards. Several tons of gold have been obtained to make the cards,” he said.

“What about the food, what are you serving?” I asked.

“Only Gold Spot and Limca,” my friend said. “With all the money going in invitations, there is no money left for food.”

— Busybee
January 26, 1997.
www.busybeeforever.com